*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
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Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Selfie
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other