*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
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A sick whale is called an unwhale
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
finally
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.