QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
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ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?