*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
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I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics