*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
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Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names