I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
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[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.