[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
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New Tinder profile.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
why am I working on Labor Day
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail