*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.