[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
me refusing to leave twitter
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Lmao the reply
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵