[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
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The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.