I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
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Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”