[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
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What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Smile they said.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison