Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
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Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords