If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Children of the corn 🌽