safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
oh you wanna fight?!
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
idk flipping houses looks really hard
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years