Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
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I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
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Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…