($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
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If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it