Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
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I told my vodka about you.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray