One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
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Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
True
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
This is amazing.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there