@Tmoney68: Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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@david8hughes: [playing frisbee with my dog] Me [out of breath]: boy, you're a lot heavier than I thought
@SomthinBoutSara: Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir
@woodmuffin: GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I've made ANGELS: [confused applause]
@asimplesean: Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him