Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
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Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?