@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
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her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Me recordaron éste meme
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.