If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
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The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you