According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
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JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings