@Rich_McCarthy: *Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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@Royceda59: I bought condoms. Cashier asked if I needed a bag, I said no she's not that ugly RT @HeroinHadley:Tweet something inspirational. I need it.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: [ phone call ] Wife: You want the white 7" or the black 9". Me: The black 9". ..and if she wasn't tablet shopping this would be awkward.
@Sean_Burgundy_: My 40 yard dash time: 5.5 My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3
@dafloydsta: [at the gym] ME: Hey, can you spot me? GUY: Sure, which machine? ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there