@Rich_McCarthy: *Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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@faizziy: That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
@bea_ker: *amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over* Cat in audience: Oh, this guy's good
@zachreinert03: I'm getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it's really just starting to come across as desperate
@thagr8short1: I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'