*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Driving in Europe vs Canada
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest