*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
*limbos away from your hug*
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.