salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
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CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats