Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
You Might Also Like
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
decorating my apartment
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
This is so me 😂😂
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?