You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
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When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
if I can survive this, I can survive anything