SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
You Might Also Like
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁