Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
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My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.