Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
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Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio