My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
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My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me