For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
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Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
yall want some gasoline milk
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.