SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
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Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
That time Alicia messaged me
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”