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Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
🤣🤣🤣
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.