SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Nothing to do, you say?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.