@copymama: Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

@Mr_Kapowski: "The first mechanic lied to you" - Every 2nd opinion mechanic

@TheToddWilliams: [sideline] QB: Do you think I should go for it? COACH: I say go for it [huddle] CENTER: So? QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

@daemonic3: Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the "free candy" on my van. *crosses off "candy" and writes "wi-fi"

@UnfilteredMama: My kids never finish their dinner because they're saving room for bath water.