*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
You Might Also Like
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day