*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
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(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.