Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
You Might Also Like
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?