Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
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I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.