Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
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Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.