This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
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every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
new year update: losing everything but weight
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.