me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
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Just weighed myself. Iβd strongly advise against yβall doing that.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
You donβt have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Google Maps says itβs a 29 minute walk, but whereβs the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because iβm calling the police
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said βthe first date better be outdoorsβ so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like βi meant more like, patio drinksβ
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, βHe tried a new kinda berry.β
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Hereβs what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: βKids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!β
Boomer neighbors IRL: βHow dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!β
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
men whatβs stopping you from looking like this
π½Hey aliens, Since youβre in the area can you please come get me? Iβve got Coca-Cola and chicken!