Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
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Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?