*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
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Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb