[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.