satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
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[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”