If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
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Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.