Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
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I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
My love language is deader than Latin
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated